Revisiting Old Wounds

Is there an end to healing? I do ask myself this question very often. 

I go through spells of dry times, when things tick along nicely and everything is fine, then suddenly out of nowhere old thoughts come up, anger, resentment and fear; good, old fear. 

You know those times that it feels like your mind has become and old, broken record, and you start thinking about what happened, and what you should have said and this and that...

I wanted to take some White Chestnut, but I thought, 'I think this state of mind needs attention in a different way.' Of course I resisted like hell, and it took me a whole week to finally find the time to want to do it. 

It happened over the weekend. I set up the space for the healing, and connected. I gave up resistance, I said I was willing to change, to grow and to know what was really bothering me. The healing always starts in the same way; you look at the emotions that are bothering you in the now, at the people that trigger those emotions with their actions, and you ask "what is this related to?"

The answers always come. It was over a good hour and half that I was able to track back some old wounds that had new memories attached. 

Of course it was painful, of course it was unpleasant and of course it was about my parents, specially my mother. I felt old anger again, but it did not last long. What was more important was the decisions I had made about my life as a result of the set ups that my mother had laid out for me.

It was those decisions and consequent choices that had created the blockages in the present about certain aspects of my life that did not want to budge. 

I have come a long way, considering where I started over 15 years ago, and my life is totally different from what it was and I certainly am a very different person. But these two particular issues had not been keen to go.

So very patiently and painstakingly, with clear intention and determination I let the images come back up and I allowed myself to remember. It was so incredibly clear and painful at the same time.  I let go all the emotions felt and then one by one the beliefs and agreements, as they came that I had made with my mother for my own safety. Those agreements were the blockages to specific things in my life that were at arm reach and still I could not grab. 

The healing and to discoveries that came wit it, were so liberating! It took me a couple of days to let the discoveries settle. 

Of course once the old programs were gone I had to put some new ones in.  When I finished, the

feelings of discomfort, anger, resentment were gone together with the anger and resentment I felt again for my mother during the healing. The broken record in my head also had quitened down and I felt pretty connected again. 

Now that those agreements are gone, I am faced with this aspect of my life as a brand, new adventure. I have been holding myself back for so long, because of the hidden fears of what might happen to me if I followed my call, that suddenly to be free to do whatever my heart tells me to do, feels exciting but also  if feels like "oh my, where shall I start?". 

One thing is good to remind myself of is that when there are no negative associations with our plans, all we have to do when we don't know what to do is to ask: 'What is the next step, how do I do this, where do I go to get this?' And so on. And then we are impulsed to take a certain action, to go to a certain place, ideas come as we follow the threads. Then we ask the next question and so on.

When we are free of negative attachments (of any kind)   this is how life becomes effortless. The work has to be put in of course, but it's a completely different ball game.

So now that the coast is clear, let's see where this adventure is going to take me... 

Exciting!!!